I had a good day today. After Mike came home, he took the babe, and I went out to do errands for my summer trip home. I ended up in Gap Body, looking at bikinis, which are currently on sale for a mere $5 – $12 a piece. So of course I had to try some on. I was looking for something simple. That's all. And by simple, I mean something that makes me feel like a tan, Brazilian supermodel sex goddess. A tan, Brazilian supermodel sex goddess who needs a bottom that comes up high enough to hide her c-section scar. And a seat large enough to cover the pregnancy induced cellulite that still hasn't gone away. And a band that doesn't sit too tightly on my hips, lest my tan, Brazilian supermodel sex goddess muffin top is squeezed. I'm still nursing, so thankfully the boobs are Brazilian super model sex goddess all by themselves. I actually had to squeeze those babies into a Large top (NOTE: My pre-baby boob size was XS) to keep them in the said Brazilian supermodel sex goddess category – otherwise, they would easily flow into the Pamela Andersen wannabe porn star category. Which would be, to use a favorite term from my childhood, "highly inappropriate."
But, I scored. I found not one, but TWO bikinis that met the above criteria.
Above are the two bottoms that were high enough to hide my scar, but still managed to make my ass look OK. The black bikini is the Essential hipster, $9, and pink one is the Smocked Bikini with the Smocked Bandeau Halter ($29 each online or $12 each in stores). NOTE: The bandeau top pretty much just smooshes my boobs down. But they are big enough so that I'm fine with that. The black halter top I bought is no longer available online, but shows them off a bit better. So I came home a happy girl. No, a VERY happy Brazilian supermodel sex goddess. Ah. Bliss.
Why all of the fuss? Because….this is the first time – IN OVER TWO YEARS – that I have felt even remotely sexy in the supermodel sex goddess way. I had moments during my pregnancy when I felt sexy, or a few times as a new mom, but it was always with a caveat – I was a sexy pregnant woman. Or, I looked sexy, considering the fact that I just had a baby. I think I FELT like a supermodel sex goddess today because I looked good. In a bikini. Not fantastic, mind you, but good. A bit sexy even. I had started to wonder if I'd ever feel that way again.
Granted, things aren't perfect. My nursing boobs still look OK now, but I know that will change. And I am sensitive about my slightly crooked, higher than I thought it would be, scar. I know my husband doesn't mind it, but that's because he loves me. And to him, my scar represents one of the greatest (and scariest) days of his life. But to some random teenager on the beach….if teenage me had seen some chick walking the beach with a c-section scar showing…I would've thought that it was gross. (Although, teenage guys probably wouldn't notice – my huge boobs would distract them). And the cellulite and muffin top just pisses me off. But whatever. I'm mostly over it.
So, a year and a half after the birth of my son, I'm ready to bust out a sexy bikini. A year and a half. A YEAR AND A HALF. And I'm one of the lucky ones – skinny genes run in my family (my mother, who is over 60, still wears a size 25 jean. Bee-yotch.) A countless number of my mom friends still complain that they aren't ready for swimsuit season. My expectation, when I got pregnant, was that my body would be back to normal after a couple of months. Well, I guess I was only off by, like, YEARS. Ouch. So let's go easy on ourselves. There's so much focus on getting our bodies back into shape, espiecially since having cute little babies seems to be somewhat of a celebrity trend right now, and I just think it's pressure we simply don't need. Let's start setting real expectations — your body goes through some crazy changes in 9 months, and those changes won't reverse overnight. In case you've somehow forgotton how dramatic those changes are, I've included a pic of me at around 7 months pregnant. Yup. Only 7 months. For me, the post-baby belly took almost 18 months to really disappear, not 3 months like I originally had thought. (Me, at my 4 month post-baby gyno appointment: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY UTERUS IS ONLY THE SIZE OF A WALNUT????)
And some of the changes are permanant. I'm pretty sure that my scar, cellulite, propensity to muffin top, and the way my stomach pooches back out if I eat ANYTHING are here to stay. But the fullness in my heart whenever I think of my son? That's here to stay too. The bond that my husband and I share because we created something so amazing? That's not going anywhere. The fact that I'm happier than I've ever been and feel like my life is so much more meaningful? Yeah – that's worth every dimple on my ass.
So today was pretty good. I'm doing the job I now feel like I was born to do (being a Mum), and today, for the first time in almost 2 years, I felt like a supermodel sex goddess. That's just icing on the cake.
As I was strutting my supermodel sex goddess self back into our apartment, I passed our crazy neighbor lady, back from rehab. "Hey! Didn't you have a kid?" she asks. "Who does he look like?" It's a weird question, but considering that prior to rehab, the only thing she'd ever say to me was, "Hey! You sure do like those slut shoes!", I just answered her question by telling her that Raines is the spitting image of my husband. "Oh good" she says. "That's who I was hoping he'd take after."