Attention, Men: Do your swim trunks flap as you walk, much like the wings of some giant bird? A heron, perhaps? If you were dropped from the sky would you rest easy, knowing that the leg openings of your swim trunks would expand like Mary Poppin's umbrella, allowing you to drift softly to the ground? And do your swim trunks, when observed from a distance, actually resemble man-capris?
Yes? It's shopping time, Men. It's SHOPPING TIME.
The new tenets of man-swimwear are as follows:
1. It's OK to show knee.
2. It's OK to show thigh.
3. No beer logos, Frat Boy.
4. No silky gym shorts. Did James Bond wear gym shorts to the beach? I thought not.
C'mon, Guys! You can do this! And it doesn't have to be scary, or like some big leap into hipsterdom.
The Best Option: Slim-Fit, Mid-Length Trunks
My top choice is something like this:
You can still rock that whole surfer-dude thing, just with an updated, manly fit.
(And I realize that a PBS shirt is dangerously close to ironic hipster territory, but trust me when I say that for Mike, it's a declaration of love.)
swim: Rhythm board shorts (seriously cool, unique patterns)
Guys, in simple terms, just go buy one of these (I even have an exclusive ASOS discount code for you):
Basic (Yet Modern) Swim Trunks
An ode to basic, manly trunks. The J.Crew shorts are the longest I'd recommend. I don't love the cargo pocket, but appreciate the overall slim fit.
He'll never go wrong in stripes.
If not stripes, my guy prefers either subtle or minimalist patterns.
Did you notice that most of the featured trunks are from ASOS? Yeah – their selection is HUGE and perfectly on-trend. When I realized all of the ASOS love I had going on (it was truly a coincidence), I emailed to see if they would offer an exclusive discount code. Yup. Use AINTNOMOMJEANS to take 10% off full price items at ASOS between now and June 11th, 7pm EST. (See full terms at the bottom of this post.)
If You Must: Slim Board Shorts…JUST ABOVE THE KNEE
If the thought of exposed man-thigh is terrifying, find some slim board shorts that hit right above the knee. Which means…your knees must show, even when standing up. Got it? THE KNEES MUST SHOW.
The pair Mike is wearing in the pic below is the longest possible pair I'd recommend:
I love the look on our nephew's face as he runs away. He knows payback is coming.
wearing (on Mike): RVCA swim trunks
A word of caution: By next summer, I predict that the only guys still wearing board shorts this long will be old guys. But if you need to baby step away from your giant, cargo-pocketed, large flapping swim trunks, you can try these.
Billabong Sundays Board Shorts, $87 at ASOS - use AINTNOMOMJEANS for 10% off
Quiksilver Original Basic, $45 at Zappos
For The Brave: Shorty Shorts
For the confident James-Bond wanna be, think…shorter.
Oiler and Boilder Retro Swim Shorts, $77 at ASOS
I realize I may have lost some of the guys right now. That's OK. This next bit is really for the Moms, anyway.
To demonstrate the power of the shorty-short, I'd like to introduce you to my sister's husband, Zack.
He's currently in the running for best-uncle-ever and will become a first-time dad near the end of July. He's making a preeeettty darn gooood case for dads in shorty-shorts.
Nothing like a little eye candy now and again, Mamas. YOU ARE WELCOME.
ps. Don't Forget the ASOS discount!
Offer: 10% off full price items
Starts: June 4th
Ends: June 11th, 7pm EST
Terms and conditions:
Enter promo code AINTNOMOMJEANS at checkout to receive 10% off full price items. Offer ends 7pm EST June 11, 2014. Valid for one transaction only per customer, up to a maximum of $900 before discount is applied. Excludes certain brands, delivery charges, gift vouchers and subscription to ASOS Premier. Codes cannot be used with any other promo code, including the free delivery codes. US orders only.