My name is Amanda, and I have Perfectionism Paralysis. I also made up that diagnosis. But it’s a thing. Now, sit back and learn why.
Perfectionism Paralysis is the inability to act, due to the fear of inadequacy. I’m not even talking about the fear of failure. I’m talking about the fear of not being amazing at the trapeze, break dancing or stilt walking…like, immediately after trying said skill. For example, I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 22 because I was afraid to fail the test. *pause for audible gasp*
This is obviously not a trait that I’m proud of and would ideally not like to pass along to my children. This is where having kids gets you. You have to, like, *improve* yourself to set an example. It’s awful.
So, here I am, 42 years old. In an actual musical.
I swear to Sondheim.
When you were in high school, wanting to be “most popular” or “best dressed” or get straight A’s, all I wanted was to be belting out “Tomorrow,” surrounded by a stage full of high-school orphans. But 17-year-old Amanda couldn’t fathom auditioning and not getting THE part. She would just keel over from embarrassment. So, she didn’t.
And then? She couldn’t be in the next show because she didn’t have the experience. And then? Before you know it, she’s 42 singing Shania karaoke at the Black Horse Tavern just to feel alive. (See? The drama within is real).
My kids always would tell me to audition for something, anything. And I would always say, “GUYS, I’M 42 YEARS OLD.”
My friends would say, “Amanda, just do it!” And I would say, “No, I’m not good enough!”
But, then, it happened. An audition notice was posted locally for my favorite musical, “Jekyll & Hyde.” Maybe far away — or maybe real nearby — I could do this if I sent in an audition tape. That way I could obsessively practice and not die of death, in front of actual real people. I could also keep it a secret from everyone. That way, if I didn’t immediately get all five lead roles and a Tony nomination, I didn’t have to tell anyone.
So, I did it. And then I told everyone. Because I’m also an oversharer #BloggerProblems. And I was just waiting for the Universe to reward my bravery. I did the Hard Thing, and now I’m ready to be a STAR.
But that’s not what happened.
I didn’t get a lead role.
I didn’t get a small role.
I’m in the ensemble.
And 17-year-old Amanda would not be OK.
But 42-year-old Amanda is trying to get it. This is the lesson. The lesson isn’t rewarding bravery with instant success. The lesson is being humble, working hard, doing what you love JUST because you love it.
And now? I’m actually in rehearsals with the most talented people I’ve ever met. And I can’t even believe they allowed me in the same room with these people. I had to google what a libretto was. I was the only one without a pencil to mark up my libretto. And when we had to go around and say our “favorite role”? After Sarah’s “Christine in Phantom” and Melanie’s “Cosette in Les Mis,” I proudly announced that my first and last performance was the critically acclaimed 1995 middle-school performance of “Annie,” where I played the secretary. And then they looked at me like, “What is the ’90s?”
So, wish me luck as Lady #9. I mean, tell me to break a leg? It’s OK, though, the win here is in the process. And I think I’ve already won. Oh, and I promise I won’t Tonya Harding any lead actors (not that I thought about it or anything).
Cool-girl blazers. I’m constantly on the hunt for cool-girl blazers. Blazers can go Office Vibes quickly if the cut isn’t right. I found this one at Madewell, and I was DONE. The double-breasted cut is so good. Comes in a few colors, but I love the army green. I got an XS, and it’s still perfectly oversized.
We’re actually really shy. Remember how I told you to buy your husband a holiday suit? This is the face of someone who is loving his Christmas attention for the fifth year in a row.
Risk it for the biscuit (or…Italian rainbow cookies). It’s almost Christmas baking time, and since summer, I’ve been gluten-free out of necessity. I’ve been dreading this time of year because I love these cookies most of all, and they’re very glutenous. However, I have a friend who has celiac disease, and she said that when she uses flour from France or Italy, she is totally fine! (GD, America). I’m going to give it a shot. This is what she uses.
I’ll never wear another strapless bra again. As I’m preparing for a few holiday parties, the dreaded bra situation arises out of the murky depths. However, since I’ve discovered this, my life has changed. Not only does it function as a strapless bra, it also smoothes out lumps and bumps all over. And there’s no pulling it up all night. It actually stays in place. I have it in two colors, and I will never wear another strapless bra again.
Good shopping karma. I have been stalking the Loeffler Randall silver platforms for ages. For some reason, these are my missing link in my wardrobe. I see them with socks, obviously. I happened to stumble upon them on SUPER-sale. I wish the best shopping karma to you as well.
Have a great weekend friends.