I can tell Mike thinks he’s done a good thing: he’s literally beaming at me. “So Babe, look!” he says, continuing. “You can see how your weight has fluctuated over the last 6 years in this chart — see this spike here…and here…and here? And the best part? I was able to cross-reference those dates with our Google photo library…”

Oh no he didn’t.

His monitor has turned into a slideshow: on the left is a chart of my weight over the last six(!!) years — courtesy of our “smart scale” that has — apparently — been recording AND SENDING all weight data to Mike’s phone for six years now — and on the right, a picture of my bum (oh god) In A Bikini. The bum picture changes with the timeframe selected on the chart.

He clicks through: My bum when Pax was 2 (small and saggy), my bum after my mastectomy (non-existent), my bum after chemo (bigger), my bum several years ago (small again), my bum last year (medium), my bum now (biggest).

“No wonder your old jeans aren’t fitting” he explains. “Look at the difference!!!”

I count to ten silently, deep breathing.

Mike notices my face. He falters, looks confused. “Uh…” he says. “Was this…not…helpful?”

I am silent.

“I mean Babe” he goes on in a rush, clearly sensing — for the first time — that he miiiiight be on dangerous ground, “I think you’re beautiful, and I love your ass — I think you look great!! But you’ve been complaining that you can’t figure out why your jeans don’t fit anymore so I thought…well, I had all of the data right here…” his voice trails away.

I suck both cheeks in, biting down. “Mike,” I say, slowly. Then stop. I am literally at a loss for words. I briefly fantasize about taking a hammer to the smart scale. HOW ‘BOUT THIS FOR YOUR DATA, MIKE? I’ll bet he’d get it then.

I look back at the screen. I click slowly through a few more dates, watching the bum pictures change. Mike is openly sweating now. I am like a cat, toying with a mouse. I stare at him. Click. New picture. Click. Click.

Finally, Mike can’t take it. He leaps up from his chair, scoops me up and carries me into our room. He throws me on the bed, following me down. “I thought I was being HELPFUL” he booms, tickling me. I am trying to smack him, but he is catching my hands. “MIKE. That was — literally — the WORST. HELP. EVER.” I gasp. “Like SO epically BAD!!” We are both laughing so hard my face hurts.

God, those data people. My sympathies to anyone married to one.


The Tiny Closet, Athleta Sale & Anti-Racist Action

Decent dupe. I don’t know if you guys remember that Reformation leopard print dress I wore to Sicily last summer (see it on me here)…but Topshop has one that looks almost identical. Granted, it’s polyester instead of linen, and not sustainably made…but it’s also only $38, so. If you’d rather stick with the original, this little linen number by Ref is sustainably made, but with a floral print that nails the same sort of flirty vibe as my leopard dress.

I’m calling these my beach pants. My Roxy linen pants are on sale for under $30. I’ve collected a couple of colors over the years, but this off-white is my favorite. These pants are low-rise, but pretty darn perfect in the heat and look especially cute with our Voloshin bow tank. The pants run small, though, so size up.

Lighten up. I like an evening bag that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Something that’s on the chic side of ridiculous. This quirky orange crossbody (like…the fruit) and this cassette tape bag caught my eye on Amazon. They’re both under $25, and have plenty of 5-star reviews.

I don’t know where to put this…but I want it. This portable lamp from Fatboy is calling my name. You can hang it from a tree, drive it into the ground with a stake…whatever. I LOVE the red cord.

The Tiny Closet is accepting orders!! One of our favorite Black-owned businesses (editors and readers alike) is The Tiny Closet. Since she works in small batches, her shop accepts orders, and then closes for a few weeks while they’re made. I highly recommend the tourist dress, which you can see me wearing on our IG, here.

Craving color. I’ve been trying to pick up a pair of fun, colorful workout leggings for a while…but they keep selling out. I just snagged this cool pair by Zella and will be pairing it with this top.

Speaking of workout gear….Athleta sale, top 3: Athleta is having their semi-annual sale, and my top three picks are these navy cropped leggings, these bright workout shorts and this cute windbreaker.

‘Terrifying and very, very funny’…was how the NYT described the essay, “Insane After Coronavirus?” Wear your dang mask, people.

North vs South? Nope. We loved this IG series by @ohdeeawn, You are not better than people in the South. Read it, fellow Northerners.

Feeling defensive about your ‘anti-racism’ practice? Try replacing it with ‘mountain climbing’ and see if you have the same response. This genius trick is so well-illustrated (and explained) here.

Look up!! NEOWISE, a comet from our outer solar system, is hurtling by Earth this month. It’s supposed to be a bright, dazzling display — even to the naked eye — but as Frank Marchis, an astronomer at SETI says, “comets are like cats…wildly unpredictable”. So don’t wait. And I highly recommend using the SkyGuide app to find it (our next opportunity won’t be for another 6,800 years).

Happy weekend!

xo,

S

16 COMMENTS

  1. So that explains it…I just got notice that my Tiny Closet dress has shipped…I was wondering! As for your husband and his data…kudos to you for not strangling him…you are a paragon of self restraint and they should sing songs to your name!

  2. I have followed your blog for many years and bought many of your recommendations knowing that I am consistently one size up from you, “thanks” to Mike’s data and my own “covid lockdown” weight (ahem, cough cough) spike, it’s good to know I am can still follow the one size up rule from you 🤣🤣🤣

  3. Oh.my.word. Mike!

    I am married to an engineer. And his favorite thing to say is “Did you make a spreadsheet”?

    No, I didn’t make an f-in spreadsheet because I am a physical person who likes to write my stuff on an actual calendar attached to the front of the fridge. If it goes into my phone/computer it is as good as gone. I have to have something in front of my face to remind me all day long. Also, I have 6 kids and if I got a ping from my phone every time something was coming up I would literally be going insane.

  4. Just curious… I don’t know about fashion bloggers, by my weight has certainly fluctuated over the years. I have bins in storage of clothes that, in a given year, might be too big or too loose. When fashion bloggers say, size up or size down, are they taking into consideration any changes they are experiencing?

    • This is a fair question. Speaking only for myself…I’ve only really realized this fluctuation in the last several months…and have been kinda DYING over the fact that it took me so long to notice!! So now I’m trying to state things like, “my usual size, given that I’ve gained weight…”or “wearing two sizes up from a few years ago” and then I give up and just say, “I’m wearing a 26”. Oof. This is hard.

  5. Oh, Mike no!

    How is the length on the Roxy pants? I’m 5’4” and don’t see myself hemming anything anytime soon and I am only wearing flats right now. And by flats I mean sandals and flip-flops.

    • They run pretty short, actually. After washing, they’re only a tiiiny bit too long for flat sandals (so I wear ’em anyway). And I’m just under 5’3″.

  6. Oh Mike… you poor sweet dumdum!! And Shana, a) you always look great and b) HOW did you not smack him?! This. Was. Funny!!

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