I can tell Mike thinks he’s done a good thing: he’s literally beaming at me. “So Babe, look!” he says, continuing. “You can see how your weight has fluctuated over the last 6 years in this chart — see this spike here…and here…and here? And the best part? I was able to cross-reference those dates with our Google photo library…”
Oh no he didn’t.
His monitor has turned into a slideshow: on the left is a chart of my weight over the last six(!!) years — courtesy of our “smart scale” that has — apparently — been recording AND SENDING all weight data to Mike’s phone for six years now — and on the right, a picture of my bum (oh god) In A Bikini. The bum picture changes with the timeframe selected on the chart.
He clicks through: My bum when Pax was 2 (small and saggy), my bum after my mastectomy (non-existent), my bum after chemo (bigger), my bum several years ago (small again), my bum last year (medium), my bum now (biggest).
“No wonder your old jeans aren’t fitting” he explains. “Look at the difference!!!”
I count to ten silently, deep breathing.
Mike notices my face. He falters, looks confused. “Uh…” he says. “Was this…not…helpful?”
I am silent.
“I mean Babe” he goes on in a rush, clearly sensing — for the first time — that he miiiiight be on dangerous ground, “I think you’re beautiful, and I love your ass — I think you look great!! But you’ve been complaining that you can’t figure out why your jeans don’t fit anymore so I thought…well, I had all of the data right here…” his voice trails away.
I suck both cheeks in, biting down. “Mike,” I say, slowly. Then stop. I am literally at a loss for words. I briefly fantasize about taking a hammer to the smart scale. HOW ‘BOUT THIS FOR YOUR DATA, MIKE? I’ll bet he’d get it then.
I look back at the screen. I click slowly through a few more dates, watching the bum pictures change. Mike is openly sweating now. I am like a cat, toying with a mouse. I stare at him. Click. New picture. Click. Click.
Finally, Mike can’t take it. He leaps up from his chair, scoops me up and carries me into our room. He throws me on the bed, following me down. “I thought I was being HELPFUL” he booms, tickling me. I am trying to smack him, but he is catching my hands. “MIKE. That was — literally — the WORST. HELP. EVER.” I gasp. “Like SO epically BAD!!” We are both laughing so hard my face hurts.
God, those data people. My sympathies to anyone married to one.
The Tiny Closet, Athleta Sale & Anti-Racist Action
Decent dupe. I don’t know if you guys remember that Reformation leopard print dress I wore to Sicily last summer (see it on me here)…but Topshop has one that looks almost identical. Granted, it’s polyester instead of linen, and not sustainably made…but it’s also only $38, so. If you’d rather stick with the original, this little linen number by Ref is sustainably made, but with a floral print that nails the same sort of flirty vibe as my leopard dress.
I’m calling these my beach pants. My Roxy linen pants are on sale for under $30. I’ve collected a couple of colors over the years, but this off-white is my favorite. These pants are low-rise, but pretty darn perfect in the heat and look especially cute with our Voloshin bow tank. The pants run small, though, so size up.
Lighten up. I like an evening bag that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Something that’s on the chic side of ridiculous. This quirky orange crossbody (like…the fruit) and this cassette tape bag caught my eye on Amazon. They’re both under $25, and have plenty of 5-star reviews.
I don’t know where to put this…but I want it. This portable lamp from Fatboy is calling my name. You can hang it from a tree, drive it into the ground with a stake…whatever. I LOVE the red cord.
The Tiny Closet is accepting orders!! One of our favorite Black-owned businesses (editors and readers alike) is The Tiny Closet. Since she works in small batches, her shop accepts orders, and then closes for a few weeks while they’re made. I highly recommend the tourist dress, which you can see me wearing on our IG, here.
‘Terrifying and very, very funny’…was how the NYT described the essay, “Insane After Coronavirus?” Wear your dang mask, people.
North vs South? Nope. We loved this IG series by @ohdeeawn, You are not better than people in the South. Read it, fellow Northerners.
Feeling defensive about your ‘anti-racism’ practice? Try replacing it with ‘mountain climbing’ and see if you have the same response. This genius trick is so well-illustrated (and explained) here.
Look up!! NEOWISE, a comet from our outer solar system, is hurtling by Earth this month. It’s supposed to be a bright, dazzling display — even to the naked eye — but as Frank Marchis, an astronomer at SETI says, “comets are like cats…wildly unpredictable”. So don’t wait. And I highly recommend using the SkyGuide app to find it (our next opportunity won’t be for another 6,800 years).